Saturday, September 25, 2010

I never realized how therapeutic long walks by yourself can be.

Well, taking Daisy along didn't hurt. She was fun to talk to.

So, basically, I was home alone for most of today. I became sick of waiting for my brother to come home from his friends house, so I wrote an illegible memo on a post-it note and headed outside with no particular destination in mind.

It was so beautiful. The air smelled crisp and clean and cinnamon-y like fall, but the last taste of summer still hung in the warm air. The five o'clock sun made the atmosphere so (well, for lack of an appropriate synonym) perfect. I made an effort to kick up the dried leaves that had been swept to the side of the road by the speeding cars and uttered my thoughts aloud to Daisy, only silencing when a car would drive by. There was something really relieving about not having to censor my thoughts, talking aloud about whatever came to mind.

After a bit of meandering, I decided to venture over to Mike's house. In the process, I nearly got flattened by a speeding car. (I'll never tell that bit to my parents, though. They'd probably never let me out alone again.) I sat on the patch of stiff, prickly grass across from his house for awhile, internally debating whether or not to go knock on the door to see if he was there. I eventually decided in favor of it, only to have his dad tell me that he had gone out a few hours ago.

Careful not to get hit by any more cars, I turned around and walked back towards the general direction of my house.

I paused at the bottom of a long, winding driveway. I knew that there were two or three picture-perfect McMansions perched on the top, one of which was home to a cute boy in my English class. I took a deep breath and began to climb the steady ascent, dragging a reluctant Daisy behind me. I quickly conjured up an alibi, which wasn't entirely untrue. If anyone asks, I was just wondering what it looked like up here...

It wasn't long before I heard screeching laughter and could see the distant smoke of a barbecue. An opened box of chalk sat of the edge of a driveway. I quickly looked around and grabbed a pale pink piece when I was sure that no one could see me.

"Hi" I wrote neatly, careful not to dot the title of the "i" with a circle like I usually would. Daisy glared into the distance with minimal interest as I drew a smiley face and a curlicue. I moved over some leaves at the edge of the road with my red hands and paused. "You're cute," I wrote as tiny as possible, quickly covering the message with dried leaves.

I'm such a girl.

I'm also aware that this whole post is way more descriptive than it needs to be, but this was one of those things that I love myself for. I'm so glad that I got up and went out and made my own adventure.

Oasis - "All Around the World"

[I don't care how long this song is. You should all have each and every word memorized by now.]

P.S. Music recommendations!? :]


Monday, September 20, 2010

So, I've been a blogger for quite a while, and I've observed a thing or two about the blogs that have the most followers-- the blogs that have easily captured the attention of most blog-goers.

It's a simple equation, really. Everyday, they post aesthetically-pleasing JPEGS from tumblr, short-and-sweet mysterious musings, and song lyrics among other predictable things.

My blog will never really be like that. This blog is like my journal, and it's totally open to anyone who is willing to read it (which isn't too many people, considering the fact that I like to post really long rant-y posts, which a lot of people don't have the patience for). I want to be able to look back at my silly posts and remember how back then I cared about the stupidest things and didn't notice anything and just didn't get it. I want to know about what happened at the grocery store and how I felt when I was running my track races. I want those silly details because I'm afraid to forget about them.

You know how your parents used to have you stand up against a door frame and use a ballpoint pen to mark how tall you were, and you'd always kind of stand up on your toes to make you seem taller? That's pretty much what this is. I'm looking forward to looking back at this and remembering how I thought that I was so more mature than I really was, how bad of a photographer I was, and how I went about daily life not having a clue about what is to come.

Why do you blog? :]

Spoon - "The Underdog"

[I just learned that this song was on the "17 Again" soundtrack with Zac Efron. Uh.]


Thursday, September 16, 2010

I had such a strange day.

I felt so trapped, so conscious of the randomest things. I guess the proper way to describe it would be to say that I was "out of it."

I forgot to put on makeup this morning, and I finally let my bangs down. Perhaps that had something to do with it?

I wrote a poem in college writing:

Eight tiny lines are to be swallowed
standing still as can be
and with no bit of concern
they would float away from me
as silently as they came
with not a penny to their name
to keep them erect
and ready for a war
between a mother and a father
that had happened once before
when she had bit back her tongue
and nearly chocked on a lung
that was so brittle and pink
that she chose not to even think
about those eight tiny lines

I meant for it to be a nonsense poem, and I just chose random lines that I though would sound nice together. I suppose when you first look at it, the poem could be about divorce or something. But I didn't really mean for it to be like that. The study of literature and English can be so ridiculous sometimes, and I bet that at least one of the poems that I've read in my lifetime that so many people take as deep and meaningful could have started with the author writing random things with no thoughts about a meaning at all. Every fucking thing on this planet can be taken to be meaningful, just depending on how you look at it.

Anyways, when I volunteered to read it in class, I suddenly got really nervous. My voice cracked when I said "mother and father", and for a second it probably sounded like I was about to burst into tears. The class looked kind of shocked, so I played it off by clarifying that my voice had indeed cracked, and I wasn't really pouring my heart and soul out onto my piece of paper.

"Were those eight lines something someone had said?" Mr. Powers asked when I had finished. He looked a little concerned.


"Did you have any particular meaning in mind when you wrote this poem?"

"No. It's kind of a nonsense poem."

"I see," he said, looking pensive. "I liked your rhyming scheme."


For cross country practice, we ran down to the track to do a speed workout. I liked the rubbery feeling of track beneath my sneakers, and the plastic-y smell that lingered around the soccer field smelled like nervousness and exhaustion.

We ran four 1000-meter intervals with 400 meter jogs in-between. I did okay, guess. When we bean our mile cool-down jog, however, I was surged with all this energy. I sped up a little bit, and jogged with the front of the "pack" instead of in the back like I usually would. Everyone groaned about how exhausted they were, and how they couldn't wait to go home and "inhale a tub of ice cream." I, for one, didn't want to stop running. I suddenly felt this weird warmth enveloping me, and all of my muscles felt tender and loose.

"That's a runner's high," my friend, Louise, told me.


I suppose I was running a little too fast, though, because some of the freshmen got lost in the woods. (It's all one big loop, how they could possibly get lost is beyond me.)

I was very disappointed when we had to stop running to stretch. My feet were still tingling, and I had a terrible urge to go run another mile.

I was confronted by the two captains after practice.

"Caroline, are you... okay?"

"Yeah, why?"

"You just seemed a little out of it during the stretches..." The way that they said it made me think that they suspected I was doing drugs or something.

I shrugged. I later asked Paige if she though that I had acted strange today. "I dunno, it just seemed like all day you knew this really big secret but you didn't want to tell anybody. You know, you had that sort of concerned look on your face."

And then, as soon as I hopped into my mom's car, I burst into tears.

Yeah, I don't know.

Voxtrot - "Wrecking Force"

[I.LOVE.THIS. The instrumentals at the end? AGH]

p.s. does anyone listen to my music recommendations? I know they couldn't possibly all appeal to anyone but me, but have I ever recommended a song to you that you absolutley adored? Please tell. :)


Monday, September 13, 2010

Urg, I haven't been inspired lately.

I guess I'll just write down some random thoughts that have been floating through my mind...


I found an expired digital camera in a cabinet drawer the other week. I've been taking some pictures with it. My idea is basically to be able to look back on them years from now and get the basic gist of what September 2010 was like for me.

I'll post them when I develop the film and figure out my scanner.


I went to a pasta dinner for cross country today.


UGH. I can't do this.

I'm so sorry.

I've just been braindead, and random unexplained bouts of jealousy and cynicism and sadness have really been bringing me down.

Maybe I'm just PMSing?

Oh well.

But I promise I'll play some sudoku or solitaire or write a poem or freewrite or something for a bit to get my cognitive muscles working.

I just wanted to remind you guys how much I fucking love you.

[Which begs the question, have I ever lost followers for saying bad words despite my adoration?]



Thursday, September 9, 2010

I love how predictable people are.

We all work the same way. We're all following our own pursuit of happiness, we care about what other people think of us, we want affection from other individuals, and we don't like to be embarrassed or angry or jealous or sad. We're all just trying to make it though another day. A lot of people fail to realize that, though, and they don't sympathize with others unfortunate enough to have been mislead.

I think that if we can all find that sympathy, then we can achieve inner peace and peace with those among us.


Thursday, September 2, 2010

So... I've made a few changes to myself.

Numero uno --which is hardly a big deal-- is that I accidentally cut my bangs super short a week or two ago, so now I'm stuck with these trendy "blunt bangs" that hardly work for me. Although Seventeen clearly states that they "make the right statement!", I think I'll just clip them back for now. Maybe if I feel confident and muster up the energy to curl my hair then I'll dare to wear them down to school...

Number two. I joined the cross country team. I may or may not have mentioned it already, but yes, I am now an official cross country runner. So far I've been holding up pretty well. (Well, with the exception of the first practice I went to, in which I threw up the half-digested apple that I had for breakfast. But I won't go into details.) I've become insanely hungry and thirsty all the time and I start to breathe heavily when I think about running too much, but overall it's been such a nice experience. The girls on the team are all so nice, and we're all so supportive and sympathetic of each other. [:

Number three. There's another girl on the cross country team with the same name as me, so I've asked the girls to call me Charlie. Which makes sense, because my name's the one of the female versions of Charles.

Which leads me to... Secret #10:

(which is hardly a secret, but it kind of is to you guys)

My real name's Caroline.

But Kay's easier, and the only people who refer to me as Kay are my dad, my cousins, a friend or two...

and you guys. [:

Number four. (This one's a biggie)--

I'm becoming a vegetarian again!

And when I say "again", I mean the first time in five years. When I was 10, Mike (my best guy friend) and I were both mini-animal-rights-activists-slash-hippies and watched animal planet in our spare time. Naturally, we wanted to become vegetarians to help in our pursuit to save the earth.

I was totally vegetarian for almost a year, when my stupid physical came around. My mom soon learned that my blood iron levels were extremely low, and in turn she managed to get me back into the habit of eating meat again.

But she won't this time.


I'll be sparing the living, breathing organisms, thank you very much.



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