Thursday, December 29, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
College essays make me sound so pretentious.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
You shouldn't expect anyone to look after you or understand you.
We really are all alone.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.
The truth hurts and I hate it.
Instead of protecting my feelings, you want to express the entire truth and it makes me want to cry.
I just want you to let me have my ignorance.
Sometimes it scares me how dramatically one person can pull me like a feather in the tide.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Friday, December 2, 2011
But he kissed my eyelids and told me it was going to be ok.
Maybe it will be, I don't know.
Monday, November 28, 2011
What a day.
I missed the feeling of coming home tired and clumsy and feeling good about myself.
I got so much done, and I am incredibly proud of myself, especially after only being fueled on three or so hours of sleep. I felt like I chugged through it like a champion.
And to make my day even better, I just found out that I'm one of the indoor team's track captains!
We're all entitled to feeling a little proud of ourselves every once and awhile.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Today, I persuaded Will to come over to my house. He's weary about coming over sometimes, because my family doesn't quite love him the way his family loves me. But he hasn't had electricity all week, and a warm home was a welcome invitation to someone who has to sleep in a winter jacket. We went to the library and read The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy at the same time, pointing out the interesting and funny parts to each other. We then worked as a team to collect star coins in my Super Mario Brothers game, kissing between lost lives. At a point, I think, we began to deliberately fall or get squashed just to steal another peck. We half-watched some TV, and he eventually had to go back home.
A thought flashed across my mind of someone, years from now, picking up my sweater at a thrift store and keeping some of my memories tucked away in their drawer.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Also, I'm going to try to stop swearing so much. It sounds trashy.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Saturday, October 29, 2011
I'm snowed in.
I haven't left the house since Friday morning.
I'm lonely and sad.
I just want to go out and celebrate Halloween.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Monday, October 10, 2011
Normally, this wouldn’t be much of a problem. Apples come in all different varieties: red, shiny, green, rotten, yellow, soft, small, large, bruised. Some apples are tastier than others. There are apples that are happy and there are apples that are sad; that’s just the way it is. Possessing any of these given traits doesn’t make an apple any less of an apple.
I’ve come to realize, actually, that I’m not an apple at all.
I’m a tangerine.
This isn’t a relatively new revelation. I’ve always had a feeling that I was different. Not good different, but not bad different, either. All fruits are good fruits: high in vitamin C and practical in the prevention of scurvy. Even the most rancid, moldy, overripe fruits make for ideal compost. Sure, it’s not every fruit’s dream, but in some ways it’s better than to have never been grown at all.
In a crowd of fruit the color of autumn leaves, I’m hard to distinguish. I can fit in the palm of your hand, and there’s usually another taller apple stationed in front of me. When I first learned of my identity, I felt as if I were at a disadvantage. I would hide in the crowd of apples. I wanted more than anything to be one. I laid low and observed them like a lonely birdwatcher. I pasted apple skin onto my orange rind, often in mismatched patches. They would brown and peel and eventually fall off. The scattered pieces on the floor served as a sad reminder that never, in my life, could I be like the others. The harder I tried, the less I felt like I belonged. My self-esteem plummeted. I was alone.
Such disheartening thoughts fetter one’s personality.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Friday, September 30, 2011
I suppose you could call it that.
2. Do you have any hickeys/bruises on your body?
I have a purple and yellow bruise on by thigh from falling off a skateboard going down a hill.
3. Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?
Everyone has. That's life.
4. Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?
Will. He usually is.
5. Do you believe what goes around comes around?
It would be nice if it worked out that way, wouldn't it?
6. Where is your biological mother right now?
In my dad's office. Reading email.
7. Have you been to any concerts this summer?
I have! I went to Warped Tour with Kristen. I used to go to more over summer break, but I only had time for Warped this year.
8. Have you ever been to a concert?
9. How many schools have you been to?
Five, if you include preschool. I've always been in the same school system, and I've grown up with all the same people.
10. What do your socks look like?
I'm not wearing socks.
11. Have you ever read a Harry Potter book?
I have! I just started re-reading the series today, actually, in celebration of Pottermore. Anyone who has one, be sure to comment below and add me as Willowbludger73 :)
12. Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?
13. Have you ever left America?
14. Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with L?
All the time. :)
15. How many times have you cried in a person’s arms?
I don't remember. A few. I prefer to cry alone.
16. Do you enjoy wearing dresses?
17. What were you doing at 8:00 this morning?
18. Do you know who you’ll kiss next?
19. Have you broken the law in the last three days?
I don't believe so.
20. What are you excited about?
21. Have your friends ever randomly stopped by your house?
22. Is anyone ignoring you right now?
A few of my close friends have been upset with me because I've been skipping class more often than I should. Through a series of miscommunications, they've reached the conclusion that Will is a bad influence. It's been making me sad.
23. What if you had a baby with the last person you texted?
I would be in a lot of trouble.
24. Do you currently have feelings for anyone?
Romantic ones? Definitely.
25. When was the last time you threw up?
I don't remember. A a long time ago.
26. Do you remember the name of your first school you ever went to?
I don't remember the name of my first preschool, no.
27. How was the beginning of this year for you?
The beginning of 2012 was ok, and the beginning of this school year has been going well. :)
28. How do you think the year will end for you?
I don't know! We'll have to see.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
The hours turned into days and weeks and months and years. Humans are curiously quick at adapting, and they soon learned that there was no turning back. They were changed forever, and there was nothing they could do about it. I watched their thoughts race throughout the night and day: a confused jumble of new adaptations and worries and fear and somewhere deep beneath were the serene thoughts that had once crossed their mind on a regular basis.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Good morning autumn. I love you and your swirling winds and twinge of sadness. This is the last time I will spend time with you at home, the last time I will sit on my roof and watch Jupiter crawling across the sky. I'll miss you. I promise I'll visit.
I wanted to be with the mountain; I felt it move under my skin as I knew part of me was in the mountain too.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
I got my senior portrait taken the other day, and it’s probably going to be one of the pictures shown at my funeral.
I just don’t feel like doing anything at all tonight.
Everyone’s freaking out about the dumb hurricane.
I'm probably going to ride it out in my room and paint pictures of feet or something.
I just came back from looking at colleges (UVM and Skidmore).
I met a homeless girl who had a dog named Dodo.
School starts on Wednesday.
Which I suppose is ok, because I originally thought it started on Monday.
I'm sorry for being so behind at looking at everybody's blogs. You're all so nice to me.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
- giving up cross country to hold a job
- looking at colleges
- starting college application essays
- paying people back from whom I’ve borrowed money
- finishing my AP psych and AP art summer work
- summer ending much too fast
- finishing driver’s ed and getting my license
- waves of loneliness coming and going
- never getting to see Will (it hurts)
Thursday, August 11, 2011
I find comfort in lists.
A List of Lovely Tunes:
Call Me Back - The Strokes ("Ch ch ahhh")
Sweet Harness - Sharks (A new favorite, definitely a soon-to-be summer anthem for me)
Magical Mystery Tour - The Beatles (I saw Paul McCartney in concert recently. No big deal or anything.)
A List of Wishes:
- For our love to continue to grow
-To find adventure and happiness
-To make more friends this school year
-To touch the lives of others in unexpected ways
A List of Delightful Smells:
-An unnamed pink perfume in my dresser drawer that's been sitting there for as long as I can remember
A List of Some Material Desires:
-A "defend pop punk" t-shit
-Books, books, books!
A List of Favorite Traits in Others:
-A strong desire for adventure
-Openness towards having nonsensical conversations
-Captivating eyes, preferably big dark ones
-A positive aura
A List of Things I Want to Be/Do in the Future:
-Get my license, and even more adventures will follow
-Sneak out in the middle of the night again
-Continue to learn more about Will as not only a lover, but a best friend
-Grow up and retain a youthful soul
Friday, August 5, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
What would you do?
What do you mean?
When you heard of my death.
Most likely trudge through the stages of grief. Cry and read your letters, exchange condolences with your friends and family, probably write a very dark poem or two among other expected things. I predict having a difficult time loving again because of the fear of loss at any given moment. Just the thought brings me to tears.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
- When your boyfriend finds your private blog and the list that you made of things that tick you off when you're angry with him
- When your parents make you cancel on him five times in a row
- One of those times on his birthday
- As a result, he has a shitty birthday
Friday, July 15, 2011
- I'm overly-emotional
- I make promises I can't keep
- I lie to make others feel better
- I have a short temper
- I have a tendency to hurt the ones I love
- I'm lazy
- I'm ignorant
- I often feign optimism
- I'm naive
If you're still interested, godspeed!
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
If I were given the option to make my own decisions, I feel as if I would make good ones. I would have my own time to think them over instead of being more inclined to do the opposite of what my parents tell me to.
Oh well, I have less than a year until I'm free.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
circling my living room
I hope he gets out
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
as they idle their way to kingdom come
I thrive in the present, my thoughts free and merry
letting their limitless lives forever tarry
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
By all official and unofficial means, summer has finally begun:
-The summer solstice
-The conclusion of torturous finals
-My birthday (the 17th one, for those who were curious)
-A celebration on the beach
-Everybody who I hold near and dear to me going somewhere far away
-My purchasing of "the journal," a tradition that has been with me and my group of friends for the past few summers
-Sleeping with my window open
-That unmistakable summer vibe that has once again taken residence in my chest
I'm so excited.
-He's mostly sad
-He's made me sad again as a result
-He's made me happy again, as well
-He has a funny laugh
-He didn't let himself throw up once during chemo
-He took the Oxycondone when I told him not to
-He thinks I'm beautiful
-His father's dying
-He hates his father
-His favorite color is navy blue
-His second favorite color is the color of my eyes
-He cried when his hair fell out
-He's a vegetarian
-He's a nerd
-He's not a virgin
-He gets turned on when I lick his ear
-He wears sweatshirts on Mondays
-He likes to tease me
-He adores me
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Saturday, June 4, 2011
-you're always horny
-you talk about your insecurities too often
-you refuse to lie to make me feel better
-you always talk about your ex-girlfriends
-you won't let me help you
-you often make me more upset than you make me happy
-you make me cry
-you let yourself be sad
-I'm not good enough to keep you around
It's funny how best friends can be the bitterest of enemies at the same time.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
When something bad happens and you forget about it for a little while and then you remember it again and it hits you like a blow to the stomach.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
the rest of the universe must be very dark.
imagine yourself floating so deep in space that you cannot even see your hands, and the blue and yellow and red stars spotted in all directions are the only assurance that you exist.
it's probably very quiet, too.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
-waking up to the sound of heavy rain
-crossing the finish line
-coming home after a long day
-peeling off cold, wet clothes and changing into dry ones
-being a part of an undefeated track team
(14-0, if you were curious)
Monday, May 9, 2011
When you are old and gray and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;
How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;
And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face among a crowd of stars.
-William Butler Yeats
I hope that this spring is bringing you all feelings of warmth and renewed hope. And not those of the allergens creeping up your nasal passages.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
My latest endeavor: graffiti artist.
I even have a tag name planned out and everything.
From now on you guys can just refer to me as "faze."
[This girl's a sophomore at my school. I don't really know her, but she's so incredibly talented... be sure to leave her some love :) ]
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
-sleeping with the window open
-staying up late
-being hugged from behind
-kissing to beautiful music
-green buds on the edges of branches
-the bridge of a song
-sitting on the roof
-rising with the sun
-reading books for fun
-laughing really hard
-being kissed on the neck
-finding meaning in hidden places
Everything's moving so fast, and everybody's sad these days.
The Pernice Brothers - "My So-Called Celibate Life"
Saturday, April 16, 2011
I went through that moody period too fast
And all of the emotions were too concentrated
That's my theory
That's what it felt like
I had everything thrown on me at once for no reason that I could pinpoint
And I couldn't think of how else to deal with it
It was something totally under my control
In a world where nothing else was
And I'm so glad it's over
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Last night, I could have sworn that I saw a face in the glowing sliver of moon hanging in the cold air.
I apologize for my absence.
I've been enveloped in an infatuation.
I've been letting many things that are important to me slip from my filed of responsibility, but I'm very very happy.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
I had my first kiss today.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
We sat in our alcove and I wanted to be quiet. So we were.
I watched our thoughts float through the air like little wisps of smoke. You thought about Autumn and her journal and how she has only been there one night and has already filled up nine pages. And you thought about her scratching her pale arms until they bled and how she hears voices that aren't there. And you thought about last night while you felt suffocated by everything and you wanted to take the Oxycodone but didn't because it had expired and you were scared. And then you thought some more about cancer and how much everything hurt but you didn't want to cry in front of me so you stopped. And you thought about Cassie and having sex with her and talking to her and missing her and I don't think you know that it makes me sad. And then you thought about how pretty I looked and our hands were touching and our faces were so close and all I can remember thinking about was that in that moment everything was pretty ok.
Monday, March 21, 2011
There is a month-long winter of beauty, while the fresh powder is still white and rests on the twisted limbs of lanky trees. There is no limbo; the moment that the beauty disappears is the moment that nature moves on, the snow becoming watery to make way for the lush green warmth and life that will emerge just hours later. Beautiful. Beautiful. Nothing is ever not beautiful.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Not around the fact that we really don't want tomorrow to come
or that you had sex and didn't really like it
I'm not sure about that
or that you want to die if your cancer comes back
or that you cried when your hair fell out
or that you're sterile
or that the awkward girl is too shy to kiss you last week
or that you think I'm pretty
And that I shouldn't be so self-consious
or that the girl in my sculpture class wants to kill herself because of you
or that you loved that song
or that I think no one's good enough
or that you want to watch the sunrise with me...
I'm not sure what I'm waiting for, actually.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Paige and I went on a wonderful adventure last Friday.
She and I both had eighth period study hall that day. We both knew that sooner or later we would succumb to our desires of wanderlust, and the dark, rainy day held a strange air of promise. We gathered our things and managed to leave the school completely undetected; having a clear school record and a face that is seldom seen in the principal's office is even more useful than for the obvious reasons.
I fed the CD player a compilation of adventure-esque songs, carefully ordered in a near seamless gradient from acoustic to electronic. I could feel tentative excitement begin to rise in my chest as we pulled out of our school's parking lot and began to drive down our town's heavily-wooded back roads.
To Dunkin' Donuts, Rite Aid, a thrift store, Stop & Shop and back again. A vanilla coolatta (even though I asked for coffee), a sugary doughnut, a roll of film, a flowery blouse (that I didn't have the $10 to pay for), mint gum, Mr. Clean magic erasers, my very first Twinkie (absolutely terrible), my sports bra and spandex, a stupid-looking up-do, and telling my mom that I had spent those three hours running with Paige at school.
It's healthy to go adventuring every once an awhile, I think.
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- I used to think that if you had a tall enough ladd...
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