Thursday, December 29, 2011

I used to think that if you had a tall enough ladder, you could climb to the moon.


Monday, December 26, 2011

The first time I visited a contemporary art museum, I was five years old. I don’t remember the name of the museum, but I do recall that museums were dull places. I was dreading a day with paintings of trees and mountains; I already knew their color and texture and how all would seamlessly blend into the other. I then realized how dazzlingly unpredictable art could be. That day, I saw robots crafted from kitchen utensils. Teapot spouts became elephant noses. Whisks became hands. The cold metal became character and life. The ordinary was given an intense personality. I learned that “things” aren’t what they seem, and that art was a road, maybe my road, to a richer understanding of life.

College essays make me sound so pretentious.


Sunday, December 25, 2011

Things here have changed a little bit.

But it's good. It's just what I needed. A little bit of privacy, and the past tucked away.

I hope everybody has had a wonderful holiday season. I had a good day today. Giving is lovely, getting is lovely, and the smell of pine needles and cinnamon is even lovelier.


Wednesday, December 14, 2011

You shouldn't expect anyone to look after you or understand you.

We really are all alone.


sorry my posts have been whiny

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Sometimes I think I have no pride. I let people step on me when they shouldn't, and I let it go because I don't want a fight.

It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.

The truth hurts and I hate it.

Instead of protecting my feelings, you want to express the entire truth and it makes me want to cry.

I just want you to let me have my ignorance.


Sometimes it scares me how dramatically one person can pull me like a feather in the tide.


Monday, December 5, 2011

So I had a terrible start to a good weekend.

I called my dad sobbing on Friday afternoon, absolutely positive that I was going to get fired from my dumb job as a cashier at the local pharmacy. I've been continuing to make dumb mistakes and get berated, making me look incredibly careless. Thursday I had my "third strike" when I accidentally charged a customer 93 cents. I know. 93 cents. I cried and came home and just slept all afternoon.

Saturday, I got to see Will sing at his town's Christmas tree lighting, and I spent the rest of the evening with him.

On Sunday I went to see The Nutcracker Ballet in New York with my cousin and aunt. Everything was Christmas-y and wonderful. We went to a restaurant afterward where I had an awesome caramelized pear salad and scalloped potatoes. Also, the movie premiere of "War Horse" was beginning at Avery Fisher hall. There was a red carpet and paparazzi and everything (we even saw Steven Spielberg). We then came back on the train and ate frozen yogurt from 16 Handles :)

But I guess the end was terrible too, because I'm sitting in bed and I feel miserably ill. Ugh.


Friday, December 2, 2011

As she was berating me for fucking up again, I noticed a brown speck in her green eye.

I cried because I can't do anything right.

But he kissed my eyelids and told me it was going to be ok.

Maybe it will be, I don't know.


Monday, November 28, 2011

What a day.

I missed the feeling of coming home tired and clumsy and feeling good about myself.

I got so much done, and I am incredibly proud of myself, especially after only being fueled on three or so hours of sleep. I felt like I chugged through it like a champion.

And to make my day even better, I just found out that I'm one of the indoor team's track captains!

We're all entitled to feeling a little proud of ourselves every once and awhile.


Wednesday, November 23, 2011

He could have very well abandoned the blogosphere by now, but I'd like to dedicate a brief post to The Nerd Archives. For those of you who don't know, it's one of my favorite blogs, and it's run by possibly the wittiest and nicest guy that Blogger has to offer. A charming combination of sarcastic, sincere, and sinister, his blog was always a pleasure to read. 
I urge you all bid him adieu as he ventures into other realms of the internet, and quite possibly the great outdoors (a concept still quite foreign to many of us). 


Wednesday, November 16, 2011

This is my all-time favorite movie scene.

Wonderful wonderful wonderful.


Monday, November 14, 2011

My dreams feel like home.


Sunday, November 6, 2011



Thursday, November 3, 2011

My Halloween costume, essentially.

I think I was a clown of sorts.

Paige, Michael, Celia, and I went to Thai Berry yesterday for lunch. I even sampled some coconut soup; the combination of hot, sour, savory, milky and sweet was so strange that I couldn't bring myself to finish it. Kristen chauffeured us around town for a little while as we digested. I was eventually abandoned at Goodwill because I was the only one interested in browsing the dingy-looking store. I had never been there before, and I felt as if I had stepped into a different era. Sweaters all colors of the rainbow and worn jeans lined the racks, and grandmotherly ladies shuffled around with shopping carts filled to the brim with delicate trinkets. I eyed dusty film cameras that had probably traveled the world and caught hundreds of smiles (and the occasional sour pout), now nestled between sun-bleached unopened birthday presents. I imagined the chipped mugs meeting tired lips with the sweet nectar of coffee or tea. I left with a colorful belt, a glass bottle, and an unopened package of party lanterns. As I exited, I felt the satisfaction of discovering a fraction of a happy memory.
Today, I persuaded Will to come over to my house. He's weary about coming over sometimes, because my family doesn't quite love him the way his family loves me. But he hasn't had electricity all week, and a warm home was a welcome invitation to someone who has to sleep in a winter jacket. We went to the library and read The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy at the same time, pointing out the interesting and funny parts to each other. We then worked as a team to collect star coins in my Super Mario Brothers game, kissing between lost lives. At a point, I think, we began to deliberately fall or get squashed just to steal another peck. We half-watched some TV, and he eventually had to go back home.
A thought flashed across my mind of someone, years from now, picking up my sweater at a thrift store and keeping some of my memories tucked away in their drawer.


Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Now I don't even have school until next Monday.

At this rate I won't graduate until July.

My mom keeps on bothering me about my college application, and I just want to be left alone more than anything.

Also, I'm going to try to stop swearing so much. It sounds trashy.


Monday, October 31, 2011

I know that I have to get up and catch the bus at 6:35, even if it's dark and cold. I know that I need to wear khaki pants and sneakers and ice is $1.69. Hi how are you good do you have a wellness card would you be interested in one ok I need to see a license would you like your receipt would you like a bag ok have a nice evening. I know The Beatles used to be The Quarrymen and I also know that Will's Abbey Road shirt is buried somewhere in my drawer. I know how to address and stamp a letter and send my worries away. I know that you don't really need to pay to get into the museum of natural history. I know that candy corn has honey in it. I know that the fastest I have ever run 5 kilometers was in 24 minutes and 7 seconds. I know how to load a film camera and not open the back and ruin everything.I know that the moon is waxing. I know that there are some things I will never know. I know that there are coyotes near my house and they like to howl at odd hours of the night and it sounds so eerie. I know that I don't have school until Thursday. Thursday is Thor's day. I know that CSI is on when I get home from school because sometimes I watch it but I usually miss the first half hour. I know where any given country is in Africa, or at least I used to. I know who you are or maybe I don't.

Tonight, instead of hanging out with friends, I worked until 9.

I guess this is what growing up feels like.


Saturday, October 29, 2011

It's October.

I'm snowed in.

I haven't left the house since Friday morning.

I'm lonely and sad.

I just want to go out and celebrate Halloween.


Sunday, October 23, 2011

He called me a bitch.


Saturday, October 22, 2011

Disappointment and turtlenecks and the word "ashamed" make me sad.

I had a good day today. Being a teenager is ok sometimes.


I couldn't find the source of those lovely photos :(

Thursday, October 20, 2011

I like writing letters and haphazardly cutting my hair.


Monday, October 10, 2011

We all live in a world dominated by apples.
Normally, this wouldn’t be much of a problem. Apples come in all different varieties: red, shiny, green, rotten, yellow, soft, small, large, bruised. Some apples are tastier than others. There are apples that are happy and there are apples that are sad; that’s just the way it is. Possessing any of these given traits doesn’t make an apple any less of an apple.
I’ve come to realize, actually, that I’m not an apple at all.
I’m a tangerine.
This isn’t a relatively new revelation. I’ve always had a feeling that I was different. Not good different, but not bad different, either. All fruits are good fruits: high in vitamin C and practical in the prevention of scurvy. Even the most rancid, moldy, overripe fruits make for ideal compost. Sure, it’s not every fruit’s dream, but in some ways it’s better than to have never been grown at all.
In a crowd of fruit the color of autumn leaves, I’m hard to distinguish. I can fit in the palm of your hand, and there’s usually another taller apple stationed in front of me. When I first learned of my identity, I felt as if I were at a disadvantage. I would hide in the crowd of apples. I wanted more than anything to be one. I laid low and observed them like a lonely birdwatcher. I pasted apple skin onto my orange rind, often in mismatched patches. They would brown and peel and eventually fall off. The scattered pieces on the floor served as a sad reminder that never, in my life, could I be like the others. The harder I tried, the less I felt like I belonged. My self-esteem plummeted. I was alone.
Such disheartening thoughts fetter one’s personality.
Upon later reflection, I eventually learned that being a tangerine has its benefits. Apples are often outspoken; I, however, am a quiet observer. I studied the apples and observed their nature like Jane Goodall attempting to mingle with the chimpanzees. It took me many years to befriend the apples, but I was patient. My tangerine nature allowed me to excel in school and take in the world around me in a way unique to everyone else.
I never did become an apple, as I had once hoped. And I’m glad. I have the best of both worlds. I mingle with apples (among all kinds of other fruit) and still retain my tangerine qualities. Aside from an orange rind and fleshy interior, I am still a quiet observer. I take the world in little bits at a time, and this has allowed me to become an artist of both words and images.


P.S. This is my unfinished college application essay. Whadaya think? :)

Sunday, October 2, 2011

This song makes me so happy.


Friday, September 30, 2011

1. Do you have a ‘thing’ with someone?

I suppose you could call it that.

2. Do you have any hickeys/bruises on your body?

I have a purple and yellow bruise on by thigh from falling off a skateboard going down a hill. 

3. Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?

Everyone has. That's life.

4. Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?

Will. He usually is.

5. Do you believe what goes around comes around?

It would be nice if it worked out that way, wouldn't it?

6. Where is your biological mother right now?

In my dad's office. Reading email.

7. Have you been to any concerts this summer?

I have! I went to Warped Tour with Kristen. I used to go to more over summer break, but I only had time for Warped this year.

8. Have you ever been to a concert?

Of course.

9. How many schools have you been to?

Five, if you include preschool. I've always been in the same school system, and I've grown up with all the same people.

10. What do your socks look like?

I'm not wearing socks.

11. Have you ever read a Harry Potter book?

I have! I just started re-reading the series today, actually, in celebration of Pottermore. Anyone who has one, be sure to comment below and add me as Willowbludger73 :)

12. Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?


13. Have you ever left America?

I have.

14. Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with L?

All the time. :)

15. How many times have you cried in a person’s arms?

I don't remember. A few. I prefer to cry alone.

16. Do you enjoy wearing dresses?


17. What were you doing at 8:00 this morning?

Sleeping. :3

18. Do you know who you’ll kiss next?

I do.

19. Have you broken the law in the last three days?

I don't believe so.

20. What are you excited about?


21. Have your friends ever randomly stopped by your house?


22. Is anyone ignoring you right now?

A few of my close friends have been upset with me because I've been skipping class more often than I should. Through a series of miscommunications, they've reached the conclusion that Will is a bad influence.  It's been making me sad.

23. What if you had a baby with the last person you texted?

I would be in a lot of trouble.

24. Do you currently have feelings for anyone?

Romantic ones? Definitely.

25. When was the last time you threw up?

I don't remember. A a long time ago.

26. Do you remember the name of your first school you ever went to?

I don't remember the name of my first preschool, no.

27. How was the beginning of this year for you?

The beginning of 2012 was ok, and the beginning of this school year has been going well. :)

28. How do you think the year will end for you?

I don't know! We'll have to see.


Sunday, September 25, 2011

They dubbed it “The Curse.” And to everyone affected, it was terrifying.
Everybody found themselves praying. The religious, the spiritual, the skeptics... but most especially the frightened. It was the most inexplainable phenomenon to have taken place before  their eyes. It became a benchmark in time. “Now, did that happen before or after The Curse?” people would ask for years to come. Humans were forced to re-evaluate their idea of life as they knew it.
Many theorized that this was because of the severity of what happened, but I think that it was because of how sudden it was. A man was sitting at his neat desk, staring at the cream-colored wall with a mysterious brown stain near the bottom. A teenage boy and girl were kissing for the first time. A baby was crying because his stomach was aching, but his mother didn’t know that and continued to feed his pacifier into his pink, gaping mouth. Lives were being lived as they usually were. I was watching, and the sudden turn of events was devilishly appealing, similarly to knocking over dominoes and watching them tumble on top of one another.
Over a period of mere minutes, every human alive lost a part of their physical selves. Someone may have lost his ability to speak. Another her ability to hear. The ability to move hands, to see, to taste. And everyone around the world curled up in agony. “What’s happening to me?”  One of the most significant moments on their lives, and it all happened at to everybody at once.
    The hours turned into days and weeks and months and years. Humans are curiously quick at adapting, and they soon learned that there was no turning back. They were changed forever, and there was nothing they could do about it. I watched their thoughts race throughout the night and day: a confused jumble of new adaptations and worries and fear and somewhere deep beneath were the serene thoughts that had once crossed their mind  on a regular basis.
The ease of expression grew into a problem that it had never been before. The Curse paid no attention to the previous occupations of its victims, paralyzing the arms of painters and snatching the voices from the most beautiful singers. The long-forgotten crisis of poor communication returned once again.
But the humans turned it around in a way that surprised even themselves. The mute twisted their hands in the air in the most beautiful gesture of dance. The paralyzed opened their mouths, and sweet words that would have never been said found their way into the open air for all to hear. The deaf began to paint and draw, finding joy in well-defined shadows and vivid colors.
Happiness was found in hidden corners. The Curse was content.


Sunday, September 11, 2011

Good morning autumn. I love you and your swirling winds and twinge of sadness. This is the last time I will spend time with you at home, the last time I will sit on my roof and watch Jupiter crawling across the sky. I'll miss you. I promise I'll visit.



I wanted to be with the mountain; I felt it move under my skin as I knew part of me was in the mountain too.


Friday, September 9, 2011

Hi guys. I'm skipping french class and listening to The Beatles. Life is good.


Saturday, August 27, 2011

Bring it on Irene. I have peppermint tea with honey, candles, and a good book to read.

(I showed this song to Will. He says that I'm the tangerine and he's the apple. Like two different fruits from the same tree, our souls are akin)


Friday, August 26, 2011

I got my senior portrait taken the other day, and it’s probably going to be one of the pictures shown at my funeral.
I just don’t feel like doing anything at all tonight.
Everyone’s freaking out about the dumb hurricane.
I'm probably going to ride it out in my room and paint pictures of feet or something.
I just came back from looking at colleges (UVM and Skidmore).
I met a homeless girl who had a dog named Dodo.
School starts on Wednesday.
Which I suppose is ok, because I originally thought it started on Monday. 
I'm sorry for being so behind at looking at everybody's blogs. You're all so nice to me.


Sunday, August 21, 2011

A list of worries:
  • giving up cross country to hold a job
  • looking at colleges
  • starting college application essays
  • paying people back from whom I’ve borrowed money
  • finishing my AP psych and AP art summer work
  • summer ending much too fast
  • finishing driver’s ed and getting my license
  • waves of loneliness coming and going
  • never getting to see Will (it hurts)


Thursday, August 11, 2011

Inspired by the lovely Mack.

I find comfort in lists.

A List of Lovely Tunes:
Call Me Back - The Strokes ("Ch ch ahhh")
Sweet Harness - Sharks (A new favorite, definitely a soon-to-be summer anthem for me)
Magical Mystery Tour - The Beatles (I saw Paul McCartney in concert recently. No big deal or anything.)

A List of Wishes:
- For our love to continue to grow
-To find adventure and happiness
-To make more friends this school year
-To touch the lives of others in unexpected ways

A List of Delightful Smells:
-Home Depot
-An unnamed pink perfume in my dresser drawer that's been sitting there for as long as I can remember

A List of Some Material Desires:
-A "defend pop punk" t-shit
-Magazine subscriptions
-Cream soda
-Floral underwear
-Painting supplies
-Books, books, books!

A List of Favorite Traits in Others:
-A strong desire for adventure
-Openness towards having nonsensical conversations
-Captivating eyes, preferably big dark ones
-Welcoming hands
-A positive aura

A List of Things I Want to Be/Do in the Future:
-Get my license, and even more adventures will follow
-Sneak out in the middle of the night again
-Continue to learn more about Will as not only a lover, but a best friend
-Grow up and retain a youthful soul


Friday, August 5, 2011

 I want to start painting again.


Wednesday, July 27, 2011

If your life were to suddenly be curtailed, especially now, I would be very broken.

What would you do?

What do you mean?

When you heard of my death.

Most likely trudge through the stages of grief. Cry and read your letters, exchange condolences with your friends and family, probably write a very dark poem or two among other expected things. I predict having a difficult time loving again because of the fear of loss at any given moment. Just the thought brings me to tears.


Wednesday, July 20, 2011


Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Things that are absolutely positively horrifying and embarrassing and sad:

- When your boyfriend finds your private blog and the list that you made of things that tick you off when you're angry with him
- When your parents make you cancel on him five times in a row
- One of those times on his birthday
- As a result, he has a shitty birthday
 I'm so glad most of this has blown over. It's been an emotionally taxing week.


Friday, July 15, 2011

A fair warning to those of you that try to get attached to me:

- I'm overly-emotional
- I make promises I can't keep
- I lie to make others feel better
- I have a short temper
- I have a tendency to hurt the ones I love
- I'm lazy
- I'm ignorant
- I often feign optimism
- I'm naive

If you're still interested, godspeed!


Wednesday, July 13, 2011

If I were given the option to make my own decisions, I feel as if I would make good ones. I would have my own time to think them over instead of being more inclined to do the opposite of what my parents tell me to.

Oh well, I have less than a year until I'm free.


Monday, July 11, 2011

some more love letters:


There’s something sad about the melancholy beat of one’s heart. While there is no definite beginning to its cycle, the very last thud will rip the most miserable of pangs through the chests of everyone near. That one little organ will go through the toughest of times over the span of a human life. Its alarming speed when two lips meet for the first time, or its near inactivity when enveloped in the warm calmness of NREM slumber. Some might be clogged with poor meal decisions, and others might be worked to the verge of near exhaustion.
My heart likes it when you whisper sweet things to me, when you touch me, when you tell me you adore me. You keep it happy. My heart would very much like it if you stuck around.


It’s kind of funny how love makes poets of us.
I once heard that love is humbling. It’s frightening how much a romantic relationship exposes you to another person. You let them see your hopes and dreams and fears and insecurities. You can tear off your clothes and have sex with anybody, but you are only truly naked when those delicate subjects are finally unearthed. So it wasn’t just the times we pleasured each other in the seclusion of your bedroom, but the nights we cried into the phone about our hearts’ troubles. There were only a few select times that I could visualize the walls breaking down, and I could finally peel away at your layers of flesh until I found my way to your heart. It gets a little tough at the ribcage, but I think I’ll soon be able to make my way through.


Monday, June 27, 2011

a lost firefly
circling my living room
I hope he gets out

some love letters:


Rest is for the hours your face of the earth shies away from the sun.
Rest is for Sunday, according to Genesis.
Rest is for mornings and rainy days.
Rest is for those from whom youth has slipped in-between their cracked hands.
Rest is for the dead.

Let us stay awake while our youthful hue sits on our skin like morning dew. We can kiss in the rain until we cannot see our hands and walk until we cannot see where we once came from. We’ll stay up all night and try new things and love each other until our hearts are as numb as our feet. And when exhaustion has finally taxed our bodies, I’ll take hold of you. The shapes of our bodies can curl into one another like two charred, dying matches, a wisp of smoke the only reminder that it was 451 degrees just moments before. I want to hold your hands and read your beautiful eyes and exchange intimate gestures. I wouldn’t want to rest with anybody else.


I want my lonely ears to be graced with your sweet voice. My hands are hollow and confused. I miss the taste of your skin. You are a much lovelier use of space than the pillows in my bed, or the empty wind lapping at my back as I walk down my moonshine-soaked street. Sometimes I visit you in my sleep, and my interpretation of your soul blinks back at me. It’s hazy and sometimes I forget the exact locations of the freckles and scars on your chest, but the impression of your company makes me so happy.
My hands cannot wait to meet yours again.


Thursday, June 23, 2011

This makes me happy.


Wednesday, June 22, 2011

I'll watch the orange pomp of the setting sun

as they idle their way to kingdom come

I thrive in the present, my thoughts free and merry

letting their limitless lives forever tarry


Tuesday, June 21, 2011

By all official and unofficial means, summer has finally begun:

-The summer solstice
-The conclusion of torturous finals
-My birthday (the 17th one, for those who were curious)
-A celebration on the beach
-Everybody who I hold near and dear to me going somewhere far away
-My purchasing of "the journal," a tradition that has been with me and my group of friends for the past few summers
-Sleeping with my window open
-That unmistakable summer vibe that has once again taken residence in my chest

I'm so excited.

Things about Will:

-He's mostly sad
-He's made me sad again as a result
-He's made me happy again, as well
-He has a funny laugh
-He didn't let himself throw up once during chemo
-He's conceited
-He's strong
-He's weak
-He took the Oxycondone when I told him not to
-He thinks I'm beautiful
-His father's dying
-He hates his father
-His favorite color is navy blue
-His second favorite color is the color of my eyes
-He cried when his hair fell out
-He's a vegetarian
-He's a nerd
-He's not a virgin
-He's self-conscious
-He gets turned on when I lick his ear
-He wears sweatshirts on Mondays
-He likes to tease me
-He's lazy
-He's fun
-He adores me



Sunday, June 5, 2011

"I adore you my dear, you mean more to me every day I think of you."


Saturday, June 4, 2011

a hurried list that I wrote when I was angry:

-you're stubborn
-you're always horny
-you talk about your insecurities too often
-you refuse to lie to make me feel better
-you always talk about your ex-girlfriends
-you won't let me help you
-you often make me more upset than you make me happy
-you make me cry
-you let yourself be sad
-I'm not good enough to keep you around

It's funny how best friends can be the bitterest of enemies at the same time.


Tuesday, May 31, 2011

I find comfort in the fact that the spectrum of human emotion can be organized so neatly.


Monday, May 30, 2011

When something bad happens and you forget about it for a little while and then you remember it again and it hits you like a blow to the stomach.



Sunday, May 22, 2011

the rest of the universe must be very dark.

imagine yourself floating so deep in space that you cannot even see your hands, and the blue and yellow and red stars spotted in all directions are the only assurance that you exist.

it's probably very quiet, too.


Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Good feelings:

-waking up to the sound of heavy rain
-crossing the finish line
-coming home after a long day
-peeling off cold, wet clothes and changing into dry ones
-being a part of an undefeated track team

(14-0, if you were curious)

Monday, May 9, 2011

When you are old and gray and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;

And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face among a crowd of stars.

-William Butler Yeats

I hope that this spring is bringing you all feelings of warmth and renewed hope. And not those of the allergens creeping up your nasal passages.

The Shins - "The Past and Pending"


Saturday, April 30, 2011

My latest endeavor: graffiti artist.

I even have a tag name planned out and everything.

From now on you guys can just refer to me as "faze."

Kyle Guffey - "Start Over"

[This girl's a sophomore at my school. I don't really know her, but she's so incredibly talented... be sure to leave her some love :) ]


Wednesday, April 27, 2011

-sleeping with the window open
-staying up late
-being hugged from behind
-kissing to beautiful music
-skipping class
-iced tea
-surprise rain
-green buds on the edges of branches
-feeling refreshed
-the bridge of a song
-sitting on the roof
-rising with the sun
-reading books for fun
-laughing really hard
-christmas lights
-soft lips
-being kissed on the neck
-finding meaning in hidden places

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Everything's moving so fast, and everybody's sad these days.

The Pernice Brothers - "My So-Called Celibate Life"


Saturday, April 16, 2011

I went through that moody period too fast
And all of the emotions were too concentrated
That's my theory
That's what it felt like
I had everything thrown on me at once for no reason that I could pinpoint
And I couldn't think of how else to deal with it
It was something totally under my control
In a world where nothing else was
And I'm so glad it's over


Sunday, April 10, 2011

I love that feeling in your chest when you think that you see something extraordinary.
Last night, I could have sworn that I saw a face in the glowing sliver of moon hanging in the cold air.

I apologize for my absence.
I've been enveloped in an infatuation.
I've been letting many things that are important to me slip from my filed of responsibility, but I'm very very happy.


Thursday, March 31, 2011

So, you guys.

I had my first kiss today.


Saturday, March 26, 2011

We sat in our alcove and I wanted to be quiet. So we were.
I watched our thoughts float through the air like little wisps of smoke. You thought about Autumn and her journal and how she has only been there one night and has already filled up nine pages. And you thought about her scratching her pale arms until they bled and how she hears voices that aren't there. And you thought about last night while you felt suffocated by everything and you wanted to take the Oxycodone but didn't because it had expired and you were scared. And then you thought some more about cancer and how much everything hurt but you didn't want to cry in front of me so you stopped. And you thought about Cassie and having sex with her and talking to her and missing her and I don't think you know that it makes me sad. And then you thought about how pretty I looked and our hands were touching and our faces were so close and all I can remember thinking about was that in that moment everything was pretty ok.

Monday, March 21, 2011

There is a month-long winter of beauty, while the fresh powder is still white and rests on the twisted limbs of lanky trees. There is no limbo; the moment that the beauty disappears is the moment that nature moves on, the snow becoming watery to make way for the lush green warmth and life that will emerge just hours later. Beautiful. Beautiful. Nothing is ever not beautiful.


Saturday, March 19, 2011

Tentative. Tentatively dancing.
Not around the fact that we really don't want tomorrow to come
or that you had sex and didn't really like it
I'm not sure about that
or that you want to die if your cancer comes back
or that you cried when your hair fell out
or that you're sterile
or that the awkward girl is too shy to kiss you last week
or that you think I'm pretty
And that I shouldn't be so self-consious
or that the girl in my sculpture class wants to kill herself because of you
Not really
or that you loved that song
or that I think no one's good enough
or that you want to watch the sunrise with me...

I'm not sure what I'm waiting for, actually.


Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Paige and I went on a wonderful adventure last Friday.

She and I both had eighth period study hall that day. We both knew that sooner or later we would succumb to our desires of wanderlust, and the dark, rainy day held a strange air of promise. We gathered our things and managed to leave the school completely undetected; having a clear school record and a face that is seldom seen in the principal's office is even more useful than for the obvious reasons.

I fed the CD player a compilation of adventure-esque songs, carefully ordered in a near seamless gradient from acoustic to electronic. I could feel tentative excitement begin to rise in my chest as we pulled out of our school's parking lot and began to drive down our town's heavily-wooded back roads.

To Dunkin' Donuts, Rite Aid, a thrift store, Stop & Shop and back again. A vanilla coolatta (even though I asked for coffee), a sugary doughnut, a roll of film, a flowery blouse (that I didn't have the $10 to pay for), mint gum, Mr. Clean magic erasers, my very first Twinkie (absolutely terrible), my sports bra and spandex, a stupid-looking up-do, and telling my mom that I had spent those three hours running with Paige at school.

It's healthy to go adventuring every once an awhile, I think.

Bag Raiders - "Sunlight"


P.S. Those pictures are from a different adventure, but an adventure nonetheless. :)


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