Monday, December 17, 2012

I drove 40 minutes in the gray rain. The wheel felt cold in my hands.

Exit 57, 58, 59.

He took me to get coffee. I saw his hand shake as he reached for his, just as I saw it shake in the dusty summer air almost half a year ago.

We stood in the rain and he kissed me.

It was careful and loving and the way I had always imagined a kiss to feel.

He cupped my hand in his and I told him that I'm glad things are different.

Exit 48, 47, 46.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

I'm sorry I haven't been writing.

I came home on a train today.

I've been keeping my thoughts in a little notebook. I'll probably scan some pages sometime soon so you can all see my raw thoughts.

I've changed a lot in the past month or so.

Will and I haven't really spoken.

I feel as if I have to change my beliefs. I've been inclined to be less trusting. Less outgoing. Less happy, if only just for now.

I'm driving to New Haven tomorrow morning to see my friend.

I hope he kisses me.

I was in the an empty library yesterday afternoon when I heard about Sandy Hook.

I've lived in the town adjacent to Newtown my entire life.

We shared a home.

The children went to the creamery I used to frequent after school. They went to my grocery store.

We paced the same aisles, knew the same parks, the same streets.

My mom asked me if I wanted to go to church tomorrow. I said no.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

The other night I found out that he had been cheating on me since September.

Weirdly, I think I'm going to be ok.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Liam and I broke up last night.

Monday, November 12, 2012

I don't think that there are any "special" people.

There are ordinary people who do special things.

That means that everyone has the potential to be interesting or extraordinary, and I like that.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Incomplete/unpublished blog posts that will probably never come to fruition:


On Friday I got really drunk with two boys in a dining hall. I took them to the top of my favorite fire escape and had a difficult time finding the words I wanted to say. I tried to light a cigarette from the wrong end and burned my thumb. We talked and walked around and I think that I was probably more drunk than the both of them but I didn't care.

I curtly told one of the boys that his dorm felt like a prison.

(I still think it feels like a prison.)


I feel like don't cherish anything anymore.

Not the sunlight coming through the windows
in perfect circles

I want to bottle the feeling of this room
and plant a kiss on every corner
or watching the sunset from the fire escape.
glowing orange cigarette ashes
and how they fall like stars


I'm looking forward to finding people to love, as I do people in New York and California and Colorado and Massachusetts and Indiana and Connecticut.


you don't have to like a poem
because it's a poem
just how you don't have to like a poem
because it's about you
and how you click your tongue
when you're disappointed
and your puddles of brown eyes
because you know
he's not that great of a poet
and the rhythm is


Instructions for the summer before you go away to college:

Smoke a grape-flavored cigar with your childhood best friend. It doesn't really taste like grape.

Drive over to your boyfriend's house at 2 in the morning. Cry into his pillow. Leave brown smudges of eyeliner on his nose and ears. Chew on your thumbnail while you drive home because the car is dangerously low on gas.


If you went here at midnight to the temple with the large field

where boys tried to start a fire years before

you would see a boy sitting alone

thinking about a girl


blades of wet grass grabbed at my feet

glow worm, running into light

expected some kind of magical creature

it just looked like a bug


In the course of the past four years, I have transformed from a gawky adolescent into a young adult in love.

Isn't it amazing?


Lies I am going to tell in college:
  • people call me Charlie
  • I've been a vegetarian since I was ten
  • this was the only school I applied to


Love is real.

It's like everything good in the world. It's hopeful and trusting and kind and patient and universal. It feels and smells and tastes just as good as it looks, if not better. You can find love in anything, anywhere. Love is for everybody.

It feels like warm fingertips and the soft space behind a rabbit's ears. It smells like my mom's perfume and early mornings. It tastes like warm milk.


It makes me so sad to see how Liam's dad broke his heart.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Will is asleep on my bed. My head is on his feet. He's been here since friday because of the hurricane and the fact that he goes to school just outside of new york.

Last night for halloween we went on a walk and we put little battery-powered candles in trees and on fences just to see what they would look like. I felt a little bit bad that I didn't really do anything halloween-related.

My new roommate is messy and a little bit loud, but we have similar music tastes and I think she's a great person.

Will's starting to stir a little bit.

College tastes like instant coffee and smells like incense.

I'm not flourishing here, but I'm getting by.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Last weekend, I took a long bus ride down to New York City to see Will. Being there felt like home. Even though I have no permanent ties to the city itself, something about it makes me so comforted and inspired. 

I met Will at Grand Central's main concourse, and I began to cry the moment he came up behind me and slipped his arm around my waist. I wondered about what we looked like to the people around us. Another beautiful story in the most beautiful city; a girl and a boy in love finally reunited.

I stayed with him in his dorm room, and it felt lovely to wake up with him by my side.

We spent Saturday evening exploring downtown. We ate at an Italian restaurant in Little Italy with tasty bread. For dessert, we bought the pastries whose names we couldn't pronounce and ate them in Grand Central after we missed our train.

On my bus ride back home, there was a girl behind me talking to her friend on the phone, saying some of the most lovely things I had ever heard. When she left the bus, I handed her a note that said "I think you're beautiful," with my address scrawled on the bottom. She wrote her phone number on my hand, and we've been texting all week. 

I feel inspired again. Things have been good.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Some excerpts from a nice day from a nice summer.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

College has been
sitting on grass
and doing things alone

I miss everybody here. I'm going to catch up on all your awesome blogs this weekend.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

My midmorning snack consists of tea, apples, peanut butter, and national public radio.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

If you see me outside my building smoking a cigarette, I'm keeping the smoke in my mouth and breathing through my nose. I'm pretending that I don't hate the taste and that it doesn't sting my eyes.

It's an open invitation for conversation that nobody ever takes.

This has been my story of college so far.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

I miss writing. I miss the right words coming to me in a beautiful, babbling stream.

This is what moving away to college is like.

You pack things that you think are important: pictures, pillows, your favorite ring.

You leave behind your dogs and the creaks in your mattress and the writing on your wall and promise them that you'll come back soon. You'll see them again.

I'm in a hotel outside of Burlington. It's warm and a little rainy. Tomorrow I'm moving in at 8:00. I'll meet my roommate, get a key, and eventually say goodbye.

I said goodbye to William this morning. It was quick and hopeful. Last night when I went to visit him I was a mess of tears and hiccups. He later told me that I was breaking his heart.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

I guess I have to start packing.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

I'm still alive. 

That's a picture of me in my summer skin and unruly, hasn't-been-cut-in-a-year hair.

I'm sorry I haven't been on here much.

My summer has been good. I feel very very loved.

Tell me about how you all are, though.

Monday, July 16, 2012

that girl
that awful girl
who throws things
and yells
and never
has her hair braided every day
in two perfect plaits
and I imagine
every morning
her loving mother
stroking her cheek
and sitting on her bed
as her delicate hands work at her curls
and make those two

Thursday, July 12, 2012

I thought everything was ok.
I changed my url.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Today I bought a yellow mug and package of ibuprofen. I had three coffees. All from different places.

I've been working at the Girl Scout day camp I went to when I was a child. The girls call me Bandana, and I teach them songs and start their box stitches for them.

There is not a single person there that I dislike.

I'm acquiring a penchant for one-piece bathing suits and things with moons on them.

Will's in North Carolina and I miss him a lot.

This has been a brief update.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

So now. I'm 18.

An adult. A graduate of high school.

If I wanted to, I could swagger up to the counter of the nearest convenience store and say, "hit me with a pack of smokes: Marlboro Reds."
I'd confidently present to them my expired learner's permit.
Just 3 days past my 18th birthday.
I bet they'd laugh.

June 20th was my last legal day of adolescence.
James kept on reassuring me that I'm still a kid. 
It's how you think, he said.

On the eve of my birthday, I conducted a ceremony.
I was outside, and I knew that midnight was only a few minutes away. The gentle movement of crickets and fireflies and warm air felt like a final lullaby. I rolled our yellow bicycle out from under the porch and pedaled to the top of the hill on my road. It felt strange to do. I couldn't see my own hands.

Once I reached the top, I turned the bicycle around and pushed off. I could barely feel the ground move under my feet as I rolled down the hill and back into my driveway.

For those few seconds, I'm almost sure I knew something that I didn't know before.

Friday, June 15, 2012

School's almost over.

Will and I went on a run after we finished today's finals. We sat in the grass for a little while and listened to Cat Power and Bright Eyes. He started to cry a little bit.

"I don't know, man. For some reason I feel like this is the end."

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Things that have been making me happy lately:


going bike riding

eating fruit

listening to rain


having stimulating conversations

the feeling of closure


high school

is almost over

Sunday, June 10, 2012

I just came back from a bike ride with my younger brother. We pedaled to the farm and made friends with some horses and a billy goat. A childhood friend waved hello from the window of a white station wagon. Now I'm home and eating strawberries with honey (to try and combat my allergies) and mango iced tea. I want to jump into a clear, cold body of water.

This is my happy place.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

So I just came back from college orientation.

It was what I expected. Possibly worse. Possibly better. Either way, I'm content.

Almost everyone was at orientation by themselves. Making friends was really easy if I took a small bit of initiative  to say hello and ask someone where they were from. It made me wonder if making friends could be this painless in an environment where everybody knew each other already. Probably not. We were all a little vulnerable by ourselves, and quick to cling to company. But who knows.

I befriended a nice handful of people. We spent Saturday night at the student center. We sat down at a table to play Cranium, but just ended up talking for an hour or two. We tossed around shallow topics and discussed the possibility of walking into town. After we were ushered back to the cramped dorm rooms where we were staying, my roommate and I were invited to reunite with the two boys and girl we had spent the majority of the night talking to. We sat on creaky beds and talked about sex and getting drunk and dumb jokes until two in the morning. I knew I was capable of much more intelligent conversation, but it was fun. If they were in my high school, I knew we would never be on conversational terms. But they all seemed to think I was a real hoot.

It was an adventure.

I also want to find someone who's more like myself: a lazy intellectual who loves people and art and talking about things that aren't shallow.

I'll keep you updated.

Also, I got an awesome henna tattoo. I spy a new hobby in the near future.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

"A line is a dot that went for a walk"

-Paul Klee

This is the cutest quote I've ever heard.

The sweet, humid air is heavy with the promise of summer. I have less than a month left of school.

I've been stealing little "treasures" from the art room supply closet: unused rolls of film, a tie-dye handkerchief, magazine clippings, old postcards, and black and white photographs from old art portfolios.

I think I'm happy.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Will and I went to prom together for the second time last weekend. It was fun dressing up. Will looked so handsome. I was happy to be by his arm all night as we roamed around the aquarium in-between courses of Caesar salad and warm pasta. We left early and sat out by the water. I think it was the first time all night we got to be alone. We kissed and watched a train roll by over the dark water. He said it felt like a dream.

Then we went to post-prom back at our school. I ate fondue and lemon gelato and accidentally poured myself decaf coffee. I stole two little fake candles. Will, two of his friends, his sister and I sat together at a table and talked and laughed for a while. I felt like I belonged with them. It made me so happy.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Today was my last-ever high school track meet.

Just as I had hoped (definitely not expected), I got my personal record on the mile! (About 6:52.) I felt energized and free and it was probably the best possible way to conclude my high-school track career.

It was drizzly and dark today. The heavy canopy of green leaves made it even darker. My favorite type of weather, I think.

Will didn't come to school today. It made me sad.

I love him, though. I should stop trying to make him feel guilty when he's too depressed to come to school and see me.

I think tomorrow will be better.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

The current state of my body (an inventory of abnormalities):

right pointer finger wrapped in a dirty bandage; I slammed it into a car door a few days ago.
fading bruise above my left knee; height suggests I walked into something.
calloused toes.
bitten fingernails; perhaps for the first time since I was nine.
unkempt eyebrows, matted hair (I have yet to brush it today).
sore lower back (a story to be told later).

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

My mother just came to talk to me about college.

I won't admit it to anyone, not even Will, that I want to be close to him. I want good vibes and prestige and a close proximity to those I love.

Which to follow... the pursuit of love of the pursuit of my dreams? Can't I do both?

I've submitted my deposit to the University of Vermont, a happy, cold place with friendly people. I'm still awaiting a final verdict from Fordham. I want to make my father proud. I want to be near Will.

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes.


Monday, April 16, 2012

Do you remember the night we sat on your broken trampoline and looked at the sky? It was only April but you said that this is what summer feels like. You told me you were looking at the orange star and I told you that it might be a planet. I buried myself in your sweatshirt and you rubbed my stomach and I got black stuff all over my feet. You showed me where your rabbits were buried. We came inside for ice cream and your mom had been crying.


Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Tonight my dad and brother and I went out on an evening drive. I liked having the opportunity to leisurely go down any unexplored street that piqued my curiosity. My dad explained that most of the people living on the 40 year-old developments were older folk who had moved there in the 70's, had kids, and never left after they grew up and moved away. I thought about the families who had once lived there a half a generation before me, and the children who went to the carnival every year and had a best friend on Sport Hill Road and roamed the halls of my high school with cigarette smoke laced between their teeth.
I said it was kind of sad. Dad said it's very human.

I had my first track meet of the season yesterday. I'm proud of myself for running the half-mile on a whim as well as the mile. It was fun and I guess I did well despite my sickness. Today was definitely a day to stay home, though.


Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Today I found my first-ever 4-leaf clover while I was sitting down by the track and picking at the grass.

It sounds kind of silly, but it was a little dream of mine. To find one and keep it. It made me happy.


Saturday, March 31, 2012

a guide to being alone:

  • the media center cubicles are a good place to eat lunch, but you have to be really quiet or else you might get yelled at. or softly chided at. either are unpleasant.
  • after school, practice music or painting or anything that interests you
  • observe everything. make up stories
  • leave notes for other people that are alone
  • bring a small book to read everywhere you go. open up to a page when faced with a potential social situation.
  • quietly talk to yourself. have inside jokes with yourself. become your own best friend.
  • you don't need anybody


Thursday, March 22, 2012

It's sad to see four years of hard work dismissed with only a few keystrokes. 


Monday, March 12, 2012

Earlier tonight, my dad and I went on a walk in the Christmas tree farm. The air was unusually warm, the perfect temperature with which our flesh and blood may resonate. The west sky glowed pink in the dark, an ironically beautiful reminder of the busy urban night life a few towns over. He pointed a flashlight across the pond, and we could see the eerie yellow spheres of animal eyes staring at us.


Friday, March 2, 2012

 Last night I had the most horrible, frightening dream and an invisible entity would press my face into the pillow and invade my thoughts and I couldn't escape it no matter where I went. It filled my head with images of dead bodies and I screamed and screamed. Why are you doing this to me? I'm a good person!
 When I finally pulled myself from my dream, I was lying in my dark room at four in the morning with no way of knowing if any of it was true. So I crawled into my parents' room and cried and stayed home from school.
 College is going to be hard.


Sunday, February 26, 2012

I am so happy. Regardless of recent circumstances, I am the happiest I have been in a while.

Will came over yesterday, after many failed attempts to contact my friends, with whom I haven't hung out in quite a while. I suggested we go out to my local Thai restaurant: vegetarian-friendly and extremely delicious. As my mom dropped us off in the parking lot, my heart sank as I looked over to see the car of one of the very friends I had been trying to get in touch with all day, Lynn. She was still in it, slouching in her seat. I like to think that I have a natural tendency to believe that people aren't malicious or sneaky, so I ran up to the side of her car to say hello. She was in it with a "tertiary" friend of mine, and explained that she was waiting for Melanie and Adriana to go to the same Thai restaurant. Will and I ran in, and as we began eating our salad I turned to see that they had driven away. To avoid confrontation, Will later explained. I don't ever like to admit to him if his more cynical point of view is correct.

He fed me sweet words to make me feel better and we shared plates of pineapple fried rice and tofu in brown sauce. We then ran across the street to a favorite coffee shop of mine for hot chocolate. Mine was mint-flavored. There happened to be a small musical performance going on when we arrived, so we happily listened to the soulful Adele covers and guitar ballads until closing time.

We went back to my house and watched Parks and Recreation until my dad suggested (for the first time) that he sleep over, because his family was away in Philadelphia for the weekend. He slept on my downstairs couch, and I knew that if I went down to see him I would get in big trouble. Eventually I snuck down our creaky stairs around 3:30 in the morning to ease myself with warm milk, a remedy my mom always suggests. I invited him into the kitchen for some and we shared memories until the cold linoleum chilled our feet.

Happy, happy.


Friday, February 17, 2012

some things I can do maybe instead of sleeping tonight
go on a walk in my underwear
get drunk by myself
catch up on reading
watch late-night tv
make some art
and that’s about all I can think of


Sunday, February 5, 2012

A list of things:

 rolled-up sleeves, Graffiti6, red bandannas, physics, dark hair, house salads with ginger dressing, The Beatles, falafels, the color blue, Disneyland, barbecue sauce, skipping class, bunk beds, coffee with milk and lots of sugar, matching things, alcoves


Friday, January 27, 2012


This is my friend Chris, and I made the album artwork for his new album that just came out. You should check it out. The song "If I Forget Your Face" gives me goosebumps.


Wednesday, January 25, 2012

A fainting spell on my bathroom floor is a great way to kick off one's exam week. Really.

In other news, it's almost my very last semester of high school. I'm excited. But nervous. But excited.


Sunday, January 15, 2012

It's ok.
I'm here. I'm here.


Saturday, January 14, 2012

Some things I'm glad I bought:

  • a round-trip ticket to New York City yesterday morning (instead of going to school)
  • a coffee with steamed milk and vanilla
  • dangle feather earrings and anchor-shaped studs
  • brown legwarmers 
  • Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds and Easy Wonderful CDs
  • three fruity and chocolaty pastries that I couldn't pronounce the names of
  • a chocolate milkshake, french fries and house salad from the Hard Rock Cafe
  • a miniature wide-angle lens for my phone
  • a Travel & Leisure magazine for the train ride back

I had a good senior skip day.


Monday, January 9, 2012

After five years, my favorite band is finally releasing a new record.

I am so happy.


Sunday, January 8, 2012

 A man said to the universe:
 "Sir I exist!"
 "However," replied the universe,
 "The fact has not created in me
 A sense of obligation."

-Stephen Crane


Monday, January 2, 2012

Things that I know I will do in 2012:

  • cry over something dumb
  • hear a song that will make my heart pound
  • embarrass myself
  • decide on a college, and embark on my new journey into adulthood when I finally attend
  • make a new friend
  • create a piece of art that I hate, and likewise, one that I love
  • eat something too hot and my tongue will feel funny for a few days
  • accidentally sleep in and be forced to rush to get wherever I need to go
  • write some letters
  • get into a nasty fight with my parents
  • stay up all night
  • have another vegan week
  • sit on my roof and look at the sky

Things that I may or may not do in 2012:
  • get a tattoo
  • get drunk/high with my friends
  • wake up next to Will
  • go on an amazing adventure

Only time will tell, really.



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