Wednesday, December 25, 2013

I can't believe he's still thinking about me, even after all this time.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

I'm on my way home again, looking out the window of a quiet train and finding a certain love in the paysage d'hiver. My feet propped on the opposite seat, I don't feel lonely. I remember this time a year ago while I rode the same train; I had displaced my happiness into the hands of someone that wasn't me and I was very lonely. Now I think of him whenever I ride trains and I hate it. The most romantic mode of transportation doesn't deserve such a detestable poster child.

I'm coming home feeling very whole, very balanced. I'm not sure how else to explain it. I'm content with returning home to that same feeling. Creativity and curiosity induced by ennui. The perpetual search of finding meaning in the word "home".

Sunday, December 8, 2013

I’m so incredibly grateful for the constants in my life and how they’re my only sense of security and hope when I start to feel like everything is falling apart. I swear they’re the only thing keeping me from the demons of nihilism and despair.

Friday, November 15, 2013

somebody lying to you
is like the milky, sensitive part of your skin
being interrupted by an unsuspecting cut
so subtle you'd never know it was there
and the moment you see droplets of blood escape
slowly at first, and then all at once
you've never felt so queasy

Sunday, October 6, 2013

for now we'll pretend like we're curing each
other's loneliness
somewhere to put our hands somewhere
to let our minds
drift
so please don't tell me you love me
so I can pretend you're
not the only thing I think of
anymore

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

I'm flying out to Ohio to see Ryan next week.

He's sweet and lovely and manipulative.

He tells me that he misses me and that I'm beautiful and I believe him.

He's going to take me out to dinner and afterward we're going to lie in his bed together and talk about how much we miss the summer.

I don't think I'm going to fall in love with him.

I like having someone to tell me I'm lovely.
the key to getting someone to want you is being just the right amount of cruel

Sunday, August 25, 2013

I want to be in love again

I want to fall in love again

it's so so so so lovely

Monday, July 29, 2013

if you ever find yourself awake at 2 AM eastern time on a monday morning, you could listen to my radio show and hear me babble like an idiot and play great music

http://www.wruv.org/

Monday, July 15, 2013

today I woke up in my underwear
next to you in your underwear
and drove to the beach with the windows down and
you held my hand under the water

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

I like you because you rub my back when we're lying on my tiny bed on the floor.
      I like you because you fix the sheets for me when they fall off.
  I like you because I always find myself looking at you when you sleep; your shirt is lifted up just the tiniest bit at the bottom and I want to kiss the little tan island of smooth skin that's there.
               I like you because you'll follow me wherever I go.
     I like you because of your big hands and the way they feel when you slide them around my waist.
I like you because of that time you drank too much and told me that I looked beautiful and that you didn't understand me.
       I can read everyone else. Why can't I read you?
                  And sometimes I wonder if you'll remember me after the end of our days between the warm sky and dirty soles of our bare feet.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

.



god bless this city, cradled between green mountains
where I first heard the sound of your voice
where I learned that I could be on my own
where I courted friends who would love me with their whole hearts
the city that took me under its wing and taught me the art of moving on
through numb fingers and nights of sweating beneath my sheets
where the cruel winter is nursed back to life by its warmer cousin,
vibrant with promise and seas of glimmering fresh water
and there's something to be said about the way it slips through my fingers
 to the green mountains interrupting the summer skyline and

light a cigarette on the corner of north prospect and pearl as you wait for the stoplight
take two tabs of acid and sit on the william's fire escape

.

Ryan's in Grand Isle. I spent last night alone for the first time in a while. I made my bed and smoked weed out the window and fell asleep with the lights on.

I'm going to have my own radio show at my school's radio station very soon.

I'm sitting on the couch at the station, there are old records with tacky cover art pinned to the wall. My favorite one is The Defranco Family's "Save The Last Dance For Me."

Someone wrote on it in blue pen "died of a cocaine overdose in '85".

All I've had to eat today is bread with biscoff spread and potato chips that I bought at a gas station last night.

I'm developing a smoker's cough and I secretly think it's kind of charming.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

.

Last night I wore liquid eyeliner and a patterned dress several sizes too big for me to a Great Gatsby-themed party. It was in a beautiful house by the lake, and some time around midnight everybody stumbled out back to jump into the cold water. I stripped down to my underwear and floated on my back. I let water fill my ears and stared at the unmoving, dusty glow of the milky way.

I held Ryan's hand on the drive back to his house. The convertible top was off, and I stretched my arms into the warm summer wind, feeling positively drunk off of expensive rum and positive emotion.

Friday, June 28, 2013

It's been a while.

I'm having the most beautiful summer. Grains of sand and the smell of a handsome boy with a brilliant smile have been laced between my sheets for the past few weeks.

Vermont has done wonders with healing my broken heart and I'm so happy I came back.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Last Saturday Chris invited me to see his band play at a house show. The air was foggy and dark. He greeted me on the porch, gave me a hug. I asked him how he had been. I don't remember what he said.

He played two songs about me. He didn't look my way, but I know he knew I was there.

We broke away from everyone after the show and walked to a park. We stood on a bridge for a little while, taking swigs from my burnett's and chain smoking my camels. I showed him how I like grinding cigarettes on the side of things and watching the sparks. We threw our butts into the water.

I asked him what was on his mind. Nothing.

We kept on walking. We saw a skatepark and decided to go inside. We climbed to the top of a halfpipe and   sat on the side. We sat in silence for a minute before he moved my hair behind my shoulder and kissed me.

What happened, Chris?

I don't know. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

He held my hand and looked at me like I was the most beautiful thing in the world. So I kissed him back.

We had sex for the first time on that halfpipe. Probably for the last time, too.

Friday, May 10, 2013

Last night I drank vodka from the bottle and three sober boys let me kiss them.

Even though I touched their lips after mine parted to say goodbye, each one meant something a little different from the last.

I climbed to the roof of two different buildings and now I have scrapes on my knees. It was too cloudy to see the stars.

I go home tomorrow. 

Things will be different from when I left them last.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

So I'm going to spend the summer in Burlington, and it's going to be the best summer of my life. It will be marked by days spent listening to Real Estate and smoking on the back porch and biking down to the bay and jumping into the cold water. We'll spend our warm nights drinking cheap beer and walking down to the Radio Bean, our summer boys on our arms.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Lauren, Devon, and I biked down to the water last Thursday night. Zak led the way on his long board, his silhouette weaving down the streets glowed by yellowing street lamps. My pockets were stuffed with crumpled cigarettes and a small flask of cheap vodka. The feeling of cold air and adventure on my lips made me clench my teeth.

"This reminds me of the kind of stuff I used to do in high school."

"Feels nice, doesn't it?"

We climbed to the top of an abandoned train and sat, taking a moment to absorb the quiet darkness. 

Devon kissed me on the mouth and it felt soft and cold and genuine.

Monday, April 1, 2013

Last Sunday my friends and I got high and went to the pet store. It was probably the most fun I've had in awhile. The lights were dim on the city bus. We found ourselves laughing at our own ridiculousness between sideways glances.

I met a boy at a party that looked a lot like Chris. When we kissed it felt a little bit like I was kissing him.

I secretly think that the people who hurt me don't deserve to be happy unless I am.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Fine.

I'll admit it.

I desperately want a boyfriend.

Friday, March 1, 2013

I want a boy to lie with me under my floral comforter and let me kiss his neck.

I want a box of camel crush cigarettes.

I want a pet rat named Cinnamon.

I want to wear my canvas sneakers with the holes in them.

I want to drunkenly kiss a girl in a dingy basement.

I want to take LSD and listen to Washed Out.

I want to buy a disposable camera and only take pictures when I'm not sober.

I want to wear an old college sweatshirt from a school that I don't go to.

I want to have a serious conversation about love while sitting in a beanbag chair.

I want to feel like I don't need you anymore.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Chris is breaking my heart. I'm going to stop talking to him for real this time.

Sunday night I went to a party and got drunk for the fourth night in a row. I put on a black dress, boots and eyeliner and I think I looked really nice.

It was hot and crowded and everything was tinted purple. I met a cute sophomore boy with nice teeth wearing a suit and sneakers. His voice was kind of nasal-y, which I found endearing. We kissed with a bunch of other people around and he told me that I was sexy. "Sexy" feels like a really genuine compliment.

He took me back to his dorm and we had sex on his lofted bed. I think I told him at some point that he was a really good kisser. He was cuddly and easy to talk to and it was nice.

College is doing good things to my self-esteem.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

I always get really paranoid and self-conscious when I'm high around people that I'm not very close with.


I do it anyway because I like the soft hum in my bones and the way my body feels all heavy.


I drunk called Chris on Saturday night and told him that I think I may have fallen a little bit in love with him.

He was drunk too and apologized profusely for letting me down. Still, I don't think he cares about me the way he used to. He hasn't spoken to me since.

I wonder a lot about whether he's thinking about me.

I still listen to his radio show every Friday. He told me once that he keeps me in mind whenever he makes the playlists for it. I hope he still does that.

Monday, February 4, 2013

roads off the side of the highway

where do they go?
My roommate is talking pictures of things with an old polaroid camera.

I bought a box of cap'n crunch today for $6.59.

I have kissed four different boys this semester, I think.

I have a little star-shaped stud in my nose.

On Friday I took molly with some of my friends and went to a concert. I felt really energetic and happy and life seemed really good for a little while. I didn't want to kiss anybody, and I felt really happy for everyone who was having a good time. The music was ok.

Afterwards I went with some friends to a bar. I think I prevented a fight from breaking out between my friend and this other guy but I'm not sure.

My roommate never really cleans anything and it kind of bothers me.

On Saturday I went to a party. I think it was that night that I started to realize that this "drunk crush" I have on a boy might be a sober one too and I'm angry with myself for it. I slept with him once before winter break, and apparently this happens with all the girls he sleeps with. They all end up "falling" for him or whatever.

He kissed me once at the party. I kept trying to flirt with him I think. I don't really know how to "flirt" now that I think about it.

After the party, two of my friends and I went back to campus and smoked weed out of a bubbler on a picnic table covered in frost. We got a phone call from him around 3. He broke into his history classroom and was trying to break the projector because he (somehow) thought that it was recording him and that he was going to get kicked out of school. We walked all the way to central campus to "rescue" him.

It was a fun night.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

I had a dream about you this morning.

You weren't there. You never really were.

I sat in bed in a dark hotel room with an old rotary phone pressed to my cheek.

I could tell by your voice that you were really sorry about the way that things turned out.

Yes, things can go back to the way they used to be.

I'm just so, so sorry.

I woke up with a swollen throat and heavy chest.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

I've been drinking a lot and kissing lots of different boys. It usually makes me feel better for a little while.

I got high earlier and thought a lot about love.

I realized that while I definitely did love Liam, it was something we worked towards. We were attracted to each other and lonely and sad. We needed to fall in love so we could fix each other.

I want someone to fall in love with me sort of accidentally. To me, that seems like the most genuine kind of love: a boy falling for me purely because he can't help it.

I don't think that the word "love" is used too frivolously.

People are too afraid to say that they're "in love" unless being "in love" seems like a reasonable thing to be.

We probably fall in love more often than we realize. Or that we'll admit to ourselves.

I don't know.


Thursday, January 24, 2013

Chris ignored me for a really long time after we kissed and now I feel sad when I think about him. My roommate plays his music sometimes and I don't think she realizes that it makes me feel sad.

My friend and I drank a bottle of cough syrup a couple of hours ago.

My memory of the period of time between then and now feels slightly out of reach. 

We smoked a joint outside with some other people and the smoke burned my throat. I don't remember what we talked about. The air was dark and dry and very cold.

A few hours later, we went down to the first floor of my building and kissed in an empty office. It was really nice, even though I don't feel anything romantic towards him. 

I think I'm ok with being alone at this very moment.

I feel like there's a lot of promise and adventure in my heart right now. Maybe it's the drugs, or maybe it's the reverberating sound of excited voices outside my window.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

I think that I'm going to be a lot more "honest" on this blog.

I don't want to use pseudonyms anymore, and I'm probably going to be a lot more open about sex and drug use and stuff. I guess I don't really care anymore if anyone I know finds this blog, or maybe I'm willing to risk it for the sake of liberty or whatever.

Anyway, I think that stream-of-consciousness writing has a sort of charming, interesting quality to it. Maybe it's just because of the stuff I've been reading lately. Who knows? Who cares?

I'm tired of a lot of things.

beautiful

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