Tuesday, January 29, 2013

I had a dream about you this morning.

You weren't there. You never really were.

I sat in bed in a dark hotel room with an old rotary phone pressed to my cheek.

I could tell by your voice that you were really sorry about the way that things turned out.

Yes, things can go back to the way they used to be.

I'm just so, so sorry.

I woke up with a swollen throat and heavy chest.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

I've been drinking a lot and kissing lots of different boys. It usually makes me feel better for a little while.

I got high earlier and thought a lot about love.

I realized that while I definitely did love Liam, it was something we worked towards. We were attracted to each other and lonely and sad. We needed to fall in love so we could fix each other.

I want someone to fall in love with me sort of accidentally. To me, that seems like the most genuine kind of love: a boy falling for me purely because he can't help it.

I don't think that the word "love" is used too frivolously.

People are too afraid to say that they're "in love" unless being "in love" seems like a reasonable thing to be.

We probably fall in love more often than we realize. Or that we'll admit to ourselves.

I don't know.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Chris ignored me for a really long time after we kissed and now I feel sad when I think about him. My roommate plays his music sometimes and I don't think she realizes that it makes me feel sad.

My friend and I drank a bottle of cough syrup a couple of hours ago.

My memory of the period of time between then and now feels slightly out of reach. 

We smoked a joint outside with some other people and the smoke burned my throat. I don't remember what we talked about. The air was dark and dry and very cold.

A few hours later, we went down to the first floor of my building and kissed in an empty office. It was really nice, even though I don't feel anything romantic towards him. 

I think I'm ok with being alone at this very moment.

I feel like there's a lot of promise and adventure in my heart right now. Maybe it's the drugs, or maybe it's the reverberating sound of excited voices outside my window.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

I think that I'm going to be a lot more "honest" on this blog.

I don't want to use pseudonyms anymore, and I'm probably going to be a lot more open about sex and drug use and stuff. I guess I don't really care anymore if anyone I know finds this blog, or maybe I'm willing to risk it for the sake of liberty or whatever.

Anyway, I think that stream-of-consciousness writing has a sort of charming, interesting quality to it. Maybe it's just because of the stuff I've been reading lately. Who knows? Who cares?

I'm tired of a lot of things.


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