Friday, May 30, 2014

oh my god I'm so happy and I have so much summer ahead of me! i'm going to hang out with friends every day and dance around and drink sangria on our porch and play with our cats and meet new people and go to parties and smoke weed in the morning and make vegan food and go on adventures!

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

I've started shoplifting underwear from the place where I work. I don't know why I'm doing this. I've taken 4 pairs so far.

I set up a hammock in my backyard today and read oscar wilde.

The other night me, marisa, atika and my cousin elizabeth all took the train into the city to go to an album release party. Nobody except for me knew how to work the subways so I carried around a big map and everybody followed me. We bought strawberritas and drank them with straws on someone's front stoop. Then it started to rain and we smoked weed out of my little bowl under someone's awning. We watched the thunder roll in from manhattan and laughed and took pictures and felt really good.

We were drunk by the time we got to the venue, and the x's on our hands washed off easily in the rain. We bought beers. It was humid inside and I saw a lot of faces that I recognized from tumblr which was weird. I spotted megan boyle and tao lin, two of my favorite writers, and they invited me outside to smoke a joint with them. I told them I was 19 and they told me they were 21 & 22 even though I think they're in their 30's. Being in your 30's  must be weird. I like being 19.

Frankie Cosmos was playing and she was lovely and adorable, she was wearing a striped shirt and had a little bun on the top of her head. I saw her afterwards and told her I loved her set. It was such a nice night.

Chris and I are talking on tumblr because I was lonely and messaged him yesterday. He said,"I'm sorry for being so horrible to you last year"

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Last night Natasha drove an hour or so out to see with me while I'm still home. We went to get burritos and drove to the beach and talked and smoked on a picnic table as we watched the sky darken over the sound. Smoke rolled out the windows as we drove to our nearby hookah lounge, Channel Orange playing somewhere in the background. Spending time with friends is important.

I'm still sad about Ryan and I feel like I have all this sadness but no way to express it, to get it out in the open. It's stuck inside me and I don't think I've been this unable to articulate in a very long time. It feels stupid to say, I'm so lonely for somebody. It's an awful longing that I'm not used to, and I really don't like it. It reminds me of a place I never wanted to be again, but here I am.

Friday, May 16, 2014

Chris came by my house last night and picked me up. We talked about college as we drove in the dark to get coffee.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

This is my last private place to share my thoughts.

I missed Ryan today, I cried, felt dumb about it.

I hate being home because Marisa's my only friend here.

I just end up spending a lot of time by myself wishing I were somewhere else. If I were in Vermont I would have places to go and people to meet and little private corners to hide in when I'm sad.

This isn't poetic. My posts haven't been poetic lately, I don't really care. Writing exactly how I feel about things is poetic in its own way. I don't know what I'm saying. I'm tired.


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